


Two is Bliss, Three is Complicated

by cjulina



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 01:37:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1326937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjulina/pseuds/cjulina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto is taking Jack along for his quarterly long weekend in London but the rest of the team thinks there's more to it than a few days away.<br/>   A series of comedy skits involving Jack, Ianto, and "the other woman."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Speculation

**Author's Note:**

> Do not view this as one intertwining story. Rather view each installment as a series of skits from an old-time comedy variety show. If you're old enough to remember The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, you might recall the running gag they had of "Mom likes you better than me." That's essentially what I'm doing here. So "the other woman" is the mom. Ianto is Dick Smothers, the one who can do no wrong and Jack is Tommy Smothers, the one who can do no right.

"Are you sure? There's got to be something!" The leader of Torchwood sounded desperate. 

"I'm sorry, Jack." Tosh shook her head. "The rift predictor program says it's going to be a quiet weekend. Not even a hiccup in the near future." 

"Owen, what about the weevils? Surely I can count on them to cause problems which means Ianto will have to delay or even cancel outright." 

The reply was flippant, and a touch unkind. "No such luck. Mating season just ended so they'll be hibernating for the next two weeks. No reason at all to postpone the tea boy's long weekend. Hell, extend it a day or two if you want. We can handle things here." 

Jack snarled his frustration and stormed off to his office. The strength of the door slamming sent the sound echoing throughout the cavernous space. 

Gwen cautiously approached her two teammates. "What's gotten into Jack?" 

"He's upset because in about twenty minutes Ianto will be departing for his quarterly long weekend in London." Owen was chortling his delight. 

"But Jack's going as well." She looked perplexed as she asked, "Why would he be upset about a long weekend away with Ianto?" 

Tosh glanced towards Jack's office before whispering back. "Because the weekend isn't for _them_. It's Ianto's weekend and Jack just tags along." 

"I don't understand." 

"Oh, come on, Gwen. You can't be that dense." Owen didn't bother to keep his voice lowered. "Ianto's having a fling and Jack's jealous." 

"No." Gwen kept shaking her head in disbelief. "Ianto would never do that. He and Jack are ... are, well, whatever they are. He wouldn't do that to Jack." 

"Wouldn't he? Tea boy always claims he doesn't normally swing that way." Owen voice took on a sarcastic version of a Welsh accent. "It's not men, it's just him. It's only him." 

"Yeah, so?" 

Tosh leaned in even closer. "Owen and I think Ianto goes to London every three months to spend time with a woman." 

Gwen chewed on her lower lip before replying. "Really?" 

With an enthusiastic nod, Tosh said, "Oh, yes. Every three months Ianto receives a hand-delivered card addressed to 'My dear Ianto' and all that's on the note is a date and time. Then Ianto goes into a frenzy. Buys a new suit, buffs his best dress shoes until they shine so much you could use them for a mirror. Not to mention all the shopping for gifts. Gifts, I might add, that only a woman would appreciate. And all the while, Jack works himself into a foul mood." 

"That doesn't mean he's having an affair." 

"It's only an affair if it's done in secret. This is a fling. Jack knows full well that Ianto goes to London to shag a woman." Owen chuckled evilly. "Ianto has an itch that the great Captain Harkness can't scratch and it's driving Jack crazy." 

Before any of them could speculate further, the cog wheel began to roll back. The trio scattered, not wanting to look like they had been gossiping. Ianto strode into the hub, a suitcase in one hand. 

"You look incredible. That suit is gorgeous," Gwen said in greeting. Indeed, the suit was stunning. Expertly tailored to accentuate his best features, the deep navy suit was accented by the lighter blue of his shirt. The muted gold of his tie contrasted beautifully with the blues and a diamond tipped tie clip gave the outfit an elegant air. 

Ianto blushed slightly. "Thank you. I try my best." He raised his voice slightly, "Jack, are you ready?" 

Jack stormed out of his office, stopping dead in his tracks when he spied Ianto. "You're wearing that?" 

"What's wrong?" He looked down in bewilderment. "You liked it the other night when I modeled it for you. In fact you said ..." 

"I know what I said," Jack snarled. "That was before I knew you bought it for _her_." 

In the background, Tosh and Owen threw Gwen knowing looks. 

"And I see you're wearing the tie clip _she_ gave you." 

"Of course I am Jack," he replied calmly. "It would be inconsiderate not to." 

"I'm not going!" 

Ianto walked over and patted Jack's cheek in an almost patronizing fashion. "That's your choice but if you come and if you're a good boy, I'll let you sit in the room and watch." He turned, picked up his case and headed towards the exit. "I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. I know I will." 

Gwen's jaw dropped open. 

Jack glared at the young man's retreating figure for a few seconds before yelling, "Fine. I'll go but only so I can remind _her_ of one thing! That _she_ only gets you four weekends of the year. The rest of the time you're mine." 

He grabbed the case he'd stowed by the door earlier that morning. "You hear me?" he yelled as he jogged to catch up with Ianto. 

"All of Cardiff can hear with the way you're bellowing." 

As soon as the cog door rolled closed, Gwen, still in shock, exclaimed, "Ooooh, my God! Ianto's having an affair!" 

Owen raced over to Tosh's desk. "Any chance we can get some video?" 

"Already working on it," she answered as her fingers danced across the keyboard with lighting quick speed. 

OOO 

_Later that day_

Ianto and Jack walked into an elegantly decorated sitting room. Ianto gave a fond smile to the woman seated by the fireplace. Her soft voice, full of affection, simply said, "It is good to see you again, Ianto. Please make yourself comfortable." She waved towards the settee adjacent to her. 

As he sank gracefully into the seat, she reached forward and placed a large slice of cake onto a plate. "I made this especially for you. I do hope you like lemon raspberry." 

"It's my favorite." He nibbled on the sweet cake while she prepared a cup of tea for him. After placing the cup and saucer on the table in front of him, she served up a smallish piece of cake and poured another cup of tea with much less enthusiasm. The plates were then handed to Jack. "You may sit over there." She pointed an imperious finger at a chair situated in the far corner of the room. "And I don't wish to hear a single word from you." 

Taking up her own cup, she gave Ianto another fond smile. "It has been far too long. What will it take to get you to stay in London permanently? I'm sure I can find something to entice you." 

He grinned, mostly because of how Jack had started bristling. "I do appreciate the invitation but I am content with our current arrangements." 

"It grieves me to hear that but I do understand. Still, it would be nice to have someone with your impressive talents available more frequently. No one has managed to anticipate my needs nor satisfy me as you do." 

Ianto preened slightly. "You flatter me." 

"Not at all. You are an gifted and impressive young man. I can see why Captain Harkness is so afraid I will steal you away from him." 

"I do try my best to please you." 

"And you never disappoint. Unlike some people." She threw an unfriendly look at Jack seated in the far corner. She set down her cup and pulled a file from the tall stack sitting nearby. "Let's get this unpleasantness over with so we may enjoy the rest of the weekend. I've invited my granddaughters. Perhaps I will finally convince you to marry one of them." 

With that, Queen Elizabeth II opened the file in her hand. "Now then, in the past three months, Captain Harkness has mishandled the following situations ..."


	2. Formal Attire

"No! Absolutely not!" 

"But Ianto, this is the height of fashion for formal functions on Altair." 

"Well, we're not on Altair, now are we? You will _not_ be attending Her Majesty's birthday party in your birthday suit. Now go get dressed." 

Jack hadn't even turned back towards the dressing room of their hotel suite when Ianto spoke again. "And Jack, the invitation says black tie. Not black tie _only_. Put on the entire tuxedo."


	3. Pay Rise

"Ian...!" 

Jack's blue and white striped cup was placed directly in the middle of his desk. 

"...to." He looked up with bafflement. "How do you do that?" 

"It's a gift." 

Jack leaned back in his chair, sipping from his coffee, and watched as the younger man straightened the many files on his desk. A lesser person, one not so attuned to Ianto's mannerisms would have missed it. Everything was perfectly normal until the Welshman spied one folder in particular. His eyes flared slightly in shock, tension faintly tightened his shoulders, and his hands had a barely perceivable shake to them as he lifted it up off the desk's surface. 

Clutching the folder tightly to his chest, Ianto tried to make a speedy exit from the office. 

"Stop!" Jack clicked his fingers twice and held out his hand for the mysterious file. 

Ianto tried to appear nonchalant. "Oh, this is just a bit of admin. Nothing important. Thought I'd already filed it away." 

Jack continued to hold out his palm until Ianto, with great reluctance, handed it over. With burning curiosity, he flipped open the folder and felt a stab of disappointment at its contents. 

"As I said, just a bit of admin." Ianto went to take it. "Nothing to be concerned about." 

Jack's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Hold up. Why are you so nervous about me seeing this week's paystubs?" 

"Nervous? What makes you think I'm nervous?" 

Jack snorted. "The anxious quiver in your voice perhaps." He began to study the various paystubs intently. Everything appeared to be normal until he read the last stub. "I didn't authorize a pay rise for you." 

"No, sir. _You_ didn't." 

" _She_ ," Jack sputtered. " _She_ gave you a pay rise?" He stared in disbelief at the tiny piece of paper. "But now you make more than me." 

"I did point out that out to Her Majesty and she gave three valid reasons for the situation." 

"And those reasons are?" 

"One, you live at the Hub so do not incur the housing expenses the rest of us do. Two, you utilize the Torchwood SUV as your personal vehicle so are ineligible for a car allowance." Ianto grabbed the file and started walking to the door. 

"Hold on. You said there were three reasons. What's the third?" 

Ianto waited until he was standing outside of the office before he looked back over his shoulder. He was smirking devilishly. "Because she likes me better than you."


	4. Vacation Time

"Ianto, are you aware that if you don't use some of your vacation time soon that you'll lose the days?" 

"Yes, sir. I've already filled out the requisite forms. My vacation starts at the end of the week." 

"That's odd. I don't remember signing off on that." 

At that, Ianto sent him a scathing 'I can't believe you are so dense' look. 

"You forged my name, didn't you?" 

"Of course I did. It's the only way to get any paperwork completed around here." 

"So where are we going?" 

"We, sir?" 

"I've got loads of time built up. Let's get away from Cardiff. Your choice. Anywhere but London. I don't want our vacation spoiled by _her_." 

"I'll be vacationing in Scotland." 

"Ohhhh. Scotland. I hear it's beautiful this time of the year. Can we wear kilts? I love kilts. Makes accessibility so convenient." 

"I'm sorry, sir, but I will be vacationing alone this year." 

"Alone?" 

"Her Majesty has generously offered me the use of Balmoral for the duration of my vacation with the condition that you and your destructive tendencies are not permitted within fifty kilometers of her favorite castle." 

"What does that woman have against me?" 

"My vacation would be ending by the time I finished reciting that list but in this case I believe it has to do with the fact you nearly blew up Windsor Castle. _Twice_."


	5. Target Practice

Jack was in the shooting range, getting everything set up just so. His fingers traced the cool, hard lines of the weaponry, grinning in anticipation of what was soon to come. 

It started slowly. The slight tingle along the skin, the barely discernible increase in heart rate, the hairs on the back of his neck rising. All the automatic signals of the body when it realizes ... 

_DANGER JACK HARKNESS! DANGER!_

He whirled around, finding a delightfully seething Ianto standing before him. _Ohhh, the passion he displays when he's angry. A very good indication of just how passionate he'll be once I get him in bed._

"Just what were you thinking?" 

_That I'd like to peel every layer of clothing off you and find out what's hidden underneath._ Jack wisely choose not to utter that particular thought. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"I just received a call from Her Majesty." 

_Well, that really helps! Reduces things by a whole three percent in the 'what Jack Harkness has done wrong this time' category._ "Oh?" 

"Don't pretend innocence, Jack! How could you? How could you invite Prince Philip for target practice? Queen Elizabeth is very upset that you tried to proposition her husband!" 

"I _didn't_ proposition him. I just suggested that it might be a good idea that he be able to protect himself and offered to give him some weapon training." 

"Oh, don't give me that. All of the UK knows that you offering someone weapon training is euphemism for 'welcome to my lair, now let the seduction begin.' There will be no 'target practice' with Prince Phillip." 

"Okay. Okay. Message received loud and clear." Jack thought for a moment. "So I'm guessing I have to retract my other invitations as well." 

"What other invitations?" 

"Recently? Just Princes William, Harry, Charles, and Edward." 

Ianto exploded. "Yes! Listen to me, Jack Harkness. There will be no 'target practice' with any member of the Royal family. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Crystal." 

Jack waited until Ianto stormed out of the target range and was well down the corridor before he pulled out his mobile. _Lucky he didn't catch the word recently._ He punched in a number on the phone. 

"Your Highness, it's Jack." There was a short pause while the speaker responded. "Yeah, well, I have a new PA who has been lecturing me in the proper ways of addressing the Royal family. Anyway, Andrew, I'm sorry to say this but our weekly 'target practice' sessions need to be indefinitely postponed." 

As Jack hung up, he gave a sigh of regret. _I'm really going to miss those sessions with Randy Andy. He certainly lived up to his nickname._


	6. Afternoon Theatre

"Owen, it's starting."

The medic came running at full speed up from the medical bay. "Do I have time to grab some beers?"

"Think so. Ianto just got the call."

Owen dashed across the hub, vaulted over his desk in such a way to make an Olympian gymnast cry with envy, and surged up the stairs to the kitchenette in seconds flat. He was a bit breathless when made his way over to where Tosh was sitting on top of Gwen's desk, his arms clutching several bottles of beer.

"Thanks," she said when Owen passed her a bottle.

After opening a bottle for himself, he joined Tosh on the desk and looked around. "Where's Gwen? She wouldn't want to miss this."

"Out on a call."

"Shame that," he said before taking a sip from his beer.

Neither spoke as Ianto, with a flaming red face, came bursting out of Jack's office. "Where is he?"

In unison, they pointed towards the greenhouse and grinned evilly as he stormed up the spiral staircase.

"You know," Owen started. "I always thought Jack was a bloody fool for working so hard to stay on the Queen's bad side."

"Yeah, me too. Popcorn?" She passed an overflowing bowl to him.

They could see, though not hear because of the sound proofing, Ianto bellowing at Jack. His face was starting to take on a dark shade of purple and he was gesticulating wildly.

"And here comes Jack's payoff for once again being in the dog house. In three ... two ... one."

High above them, they could see that Ianto had ended his rant. Not because he had run out things to yell but because Jack had lunged forward and crashed their lips together. There was some tussling, Ianto hands moving desperately to remove Jack's greatcoat. The men slammed up against a wall and their attention turned to removing shirts as quickly as possible. Ianto finally took charge, placed his hands on Jack's shoulders and forced the other man down to his knees.

"Owen, think you can come in a little early tomorrow?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"We need to move the Venusian Ivy. It's blocking the view."


	7. Portents of Doom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how this one is going to play since I'm not certain how regionalized the punch line is. I know it's not a joke if you have to explain it but this is one I just can't resist (been wanting to sneak this one into a story since 2009). There's an explanation at the end in case people from outside my home state don't get it.

"Yes, Your Majesty. All the signs are there."

Ianto paused for a moment, listening intently to the Queen speak to him over the secure phone line.

"First we had the incident last month at the farm near Ipswich. The cause was an alien device, but, still pigs _did_ fly. Followed by Hell, California in the United States freezing over three days ago. And then this. Your Majesty, Captain Harkness and I have conferred. We fear this is a sure sign the world may be ending."

There was another pause, longer this time, as Ianto received his orders.

"Yes, Your Majesty. At once." As he set the receiver down, he yelled, "Jack! The Queen concurs. Take us to Defcon One."

Ianto looked down at the newspaper on the desk and couldn't stop himself from reading aloud the headline that was the latest, and most terrifying, portent of doom. "The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanation time - In my hometown of New Orleans, the Saints football team for decades was so bad (there were years fans wore paper bags at games - they were that bad), we would joke that should the Saints ever make it to the Super Bowl, it would mean the end of the world was coming soon. Well, in 2009, it finally came to pass and in 2010, for those who don't follow American Football, the Saints won the Super Bowl.  
> The order of events is an homage to New Orleans sportcaster Jim Henderson who, while announcing for the playoff game which sent the Saints to the Super Bowl, said the following, "AND IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD! IT'S GUH-HUH-HOOD! Ha ha ha! Pigs have flown! Hell has frozen over! The Saints are on their way to the Super Bowl."


	8. Additional Duties

"Your coffee, sir."

Jack grinned. "Perfect timing, Ianto. I wanted to speak to you. Have a seat." He studied the young man - he also leered but this was Jack. Owen would order a slew of medical tests if he didn't leer. "How are things going?"

"Quite well, thank you, sir. There was one thing I wanted to ask you." Ianto shifted nervously before he continued. "Sir, I know I've only been employed here for less than a week but I was hoping I could have the next two days off."

All he got in return was an expectant look.

"I need to go to London to collect my things. Just a couple of crates of books, some furniture, and the rest of my suits." He purposely forgot to mention that he also needed to shift his half-cybernized girlfriend to a personal suite inside the Hub but that was a detail Jack really didn't need to concern himself with. He had, after all, hired Ianto to see to all the little insignificant details. 

"I think that can be arranged. Particularly since it's ties in with what I wanted to talk to you about. We need to adjust your duties."

"Adjust, sir? Is my work not meeting your expectations?"

Jack laughed heartily. "Far from it. If anything, you've already managed to far exceed them, which is why I need you to take a meeting for me in London tomorrow."

"What sort of meeting?"

"It seems Lizzie's in a tizzy over something I've done and I need you to sort it out."

"Lizzie?" Ianto thought for a moment, mentally going over the list of persons Torchwood might need to deal with in London, before sputtering in outrage. "One does not refer to Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, as Lizzie, nor does one describe her behavior in such a base manner."

Jack chuckled. "See? This is why you're the perfect person to sort this out. You'll treat Lizz ..., er, Her Majesty with the proper amount of respect."

"Sir, I'm just a glorified butler, not to mention I've only been here less than a week. Perhaps you should take this meeting. You are the head of Torchwood, after all."

"Nope. I was specifically told to send a representative."

"Suzie is your second-in-command. Surely, she would be a better spokesperson."

"Her Majesty thinks Suzie is creepy."

"Tosh, then?"

Jack shook his head. "As brilliant as Tosh is, she gets flustered and tongue-tied when she's around the Royal family. Not to mention, she goes off on technical explanations that no one can understand and before you know it, the entire audience is snoring quietly."

Ianto nodded, in his stoic manner, before standing. As he smoothed invisible wrinkles from his jacket, he said, "I shall do my best to find out why Her Majesty is displeased and do what I can to resolve the situation. If you'll excuse me, I need to make some preparations for my trip to London."

"I noticed you didn't suggest sending Owen."

Ianto's only response was a sarcastic roll of his eyes.

OOO

"You!" Ianto huffed angrily. "I can't believe you!"

Jack looked up from his paperwork, startled by the fury showing on the normally quiet, reserved man.

"How could you?"

"Help a fellow out," Jack replied. "What is it I'm supposed to have done?"

Ianto huffed a few times. "You shot one of Her Majesty's corgis."

"Oh, that." Jack waved a dismissive hand. "Technically, I didn't shoot it. I shot _at_ it." He paused thoughtfully. "Although, I would have shot it but those little fluff balls can sure scurry when they feel threatened."

Hissing every word through clenched teeth, Ianto asked, "Why were you shooting Queen Elizabeth's corgis?"

" _At_. I shot _at_ it." Jack quickly realized that the distinction was lost on the livid man. "I thought it was an alien bent on world domination. Turns out it was just begging for a bit of biscuit."

"Okay, new rule around here. NO SHOOTING HER MAJESTY'S CORGIS." He pierced Jack with a withering glare when he tried to interrupt. "And no shooting _at_ them either. Do I make myself clear?"

"You know, I'm the boss here. I make the rules."

Ianto's withering glare became that much more withering.

"On the other hand, I think that's a rather good rule. Type up a memo about it, would you?"


End file.
